There are many points in my life where I have found myself in the position of being a learner. Some times are easier to step into this position than others. Of late, I have found that the majority of my time awake is spent in the role of the learner. Much of this, of course, is because I am a student, but I'm also a student of drumming and would be a much more diligent student of yoga and dance as well - if midwifery and drumming did not occupy so much of my time and head space. And above all of these, I have my children - likely the greatest learning adventure of all, and often the area that I feel I have the most that I still need to learn. In all of these things I consider myself fully a learner - not only am I not an expert, but most of my time practicing these is still spent struggling with self-doubt or actively learning a new skill - with a small amount of this time being spent consolidating skills that have already been learned.
Being a learner comes with its own unique privileges and challenges. Since I truly feel that I spend almost all of my time in life currently as a learner, I thought I would reflect on these today.
Making Mistakes
The learner has the immense privilege of being allowed to make mistakes without severe repercussion. A patient teacher expects the learner to make mistakes because very little in life comes naturally without practice. A patient student expects this of themselves as well; this is a concept that I understand theoretically. Practically, however, swallowing your embarassment when making mistakes is not an easy thing to do - especially when it involves the bodies of the people you are trying to help. Or the perception (whether it is true or false) that people are depending on you to do the right thing. Some how, we as learners have to find our own personal way of carrying on after a mistake has made. The client still needs to receive care. The music must continue. I've also learned lately that I blush very deeply when I've made a mistake that I'm embarassed about. Sometimes I get flustered or anxious - especially when the people around me expect me to continue my efforts despite the fact that I messed up the first (or tenth) time. I'm happy to learn this about myself. Overcoming it is a lifetime ambition :)
I wanted to write about humility as well, but I'm really not sure where its place is. You have to humble yourself to learn from another person. You have to step down from the things you think you know, and the things you think you are good at, in order to really hear what a teacher is saying to you. That being said, I am also afraid of losing the things that I felt like I knew; the values that I held so dear. I don't want the act of learning to also be accompanied by the act of forgetting what I knew before. There must be a balance somewhere.
Empowerment in GETTING IT RIGHT!
Fortunately I have gotten far enough into my education that I'm getting some things right. I was happy when I looked back on my learning objectives for the beginning of the term to see that some skills, like vaginal exams, catheterizing, IVs, and catching babies in fantastic and interesting positions have become things that I actually feel very confident about now. Doing these things without making so many mistakes is empowering. Leaving a postpartum visit that I've done completely by myself, and reflecting on it thinking "Yup; I covered every base. I feel like I really helped those people!" and hearing similar praise when I check in with my preceptor is so satisfying.
Even though I'm now in my fourth year of midwifery education, the learning curve this semester has been the steepest yet (if that is actually, physically, possible). That's because this term, we had to shift from acting like "a learner" to acting like "the midwife" - making the decisions and plans, and most importantly, understanding the heavy repercussions that those decisions can have. This came with *many* challenges that I had no idea were coming until I stumbled upon them. It was *not* easy. But this term, folks, is DONE. And I'm still alive. Now, for a month, I can focus my learning more on things that I find recreational (but for which I have just as much learning to do).
I have spent *so* much time learning this term, that part of me craves to be an expert about something. I want to be able to answer a question with certainty, without turning to one teacher or another for reassurance. And the other part of me is terrified that I will actually have to reach a point where there *is* no teacher to look to for reassurance (at least, in midwifery anyway). But learning, of course, is a lifelong journey. No one is ever really finished with it until they are finished with life.
