I can't believe I'm sitting here writing a blog entry right now. It's my first day off in almost an entire month, and for some reason it was my first instinct today. Probably because I've gotten some subtle comments from people who are curious about how my life is going since I dropped off the planet. Probably also because this is my own little journalling exercise and a little bit of therapeutic relief for me as well.
So, where the course is at: this term, the course we are in is called Maternal Newborn Pathology. The course component, much like the other placement terms, consists of learning objectives that each student has to independently research each week and create study notes, and the class teaches one another by using what we learned through our research by enacting a scenario. The emphasis now has shifted slightly from learning about conditions to learning how to manage them (although there's definitely still learning about the conditions too). And as you might guess by the name of the course, the theme is mortality and morbidity - serious conditions that are way outside of midwifery scope, but that may happen to our clients so we need to be able to identify them and initiate care. It's heavy. But really, what part of this degree hasn't been heavy?
The great part about it is that it's the last academic semester. Clerkship, the final semester, does not involve assignments and no new objectives (as far as I know) will be introduced. I have a paper due November 11. It's my last paper for this degree. This is very exciting. Watch me dance. Oh wait, I'm too tired.
I looked back on my older posts about my early placements describing what we do in those placements and chuckle that I had the impression that in normal childbearing we do "everything that a midwife does". Clearly we are sheltered (probably on purpose, so as not to scare us off) from many of the extra responsibilities that midwives have. In Normal Childbearing we learn to conduct prenatal appointments and births, and we learn basic clinical skills. But the senior year expects that those skills are concreted (which they often are not) and focuses more on management - consults, writing letters, making hard decisions and having to be accountable for them, and learning gradually to do this job without someone telling you what it is that you are supposed to do next. It's intense. The number of births is about the same as all of the other placements, although of course that ebbs and flows as births always do. Sometimes it feels really unbalanced, and sometimes you're so worried about your numbers that you're afraid you won't be able to graduate on time. The responsibility burden is high and a bit of a shock sometimes.
There's the practical part of it. In living this, it's been a real emotional challenge. I'm thinking of this point in my education as "transition" in labour - the hardest part, the part where I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know if I will make it out the other side. It can be isolating sometimes - all of my blogging about work life balance sometimes just does not account for the fact that when the pager rings, you still have to go. Even if you just stepped out the door to go for ice cream with your kids after not seeing them for a week. Even if your family just arrived at your house after driving two and a half hours to come and see you. The reality of it is really hard.
I know I sound like I'm complaining a lot. I am. Even half way through 4th year, I still feel like I am adjusting to this lifestyle, tweaking the challenges of meeting my needs (food, exercise, social interaction) with those of my family (quality time, housework, food preparation) and my placement which basically has to take priority over everything.
I am close enough to the end, though, that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I reflect on the privilege it will be to finally be able to offer midwifery care in my own style, after having learned the styles of many other midwives along the way. I am still continually amazed by the hard work that birthing women and new mothers are willing to put into their experience, and that inspires me. Its incredible how similar the process of becoming a midwife is to becoming a mother. And these women do it, over and over again they show me that they can surpass what they thought they were capable of and come through on top of it. And if they can do it, so can I.
