The real home stretch.

So, winter break blew by in a heartbeat, as always.  Tomorrow is New Years Day, and the following day I go back for my last 12 weeks of student life (at least, as long as things go well it'll be my last 12 weeks!). 

I've had a lot of people noticing how little time there is until the end, and many folks already offering congratulations and comments of wonder of how amazing it must feel to be so close to the end. 

 Being at this point in my education is like a mixed bag.  Every minute I feel differently about it.  So how am I really feeling about this?


Afraid.  There are so many things to be afraid of.  I keep courting this strange feeling that there is some very deep inadequacy in me that nobody has yet spotted.  That maybe I'm actually a total bumbling idiot, and that when I get out on my own and am not having my every move being shadowed and mentored, I might make a fatal mistake. 

Overwhelmed.  The thought of walking back into a clinic has changed over this time.  I went from an excited Normal Childbearing student, where every birth was an adventure and every client a pleasure to meet - to where I am now - and don't get me wrong, every birth is still an adventure, and every client is still a pleasure to meet.  But the level of responsibility that I see is so much more than I had realized it to be before.  It can be overwhelming.  Couple that with the idea that there's a high likelihood I may need to scoop up the family and move to a new community again in order to work, and  Melissa tries not to think about how overwhelming this is.


Introspective:  I chose certain placements over the course of my education because I wanted to be shaped into the type of midwife that I dreamed I would become before I came into this.  I understood right from the outset that the placements students are in drastically affect the type of midwife they will become.  And yet, not all of these experiences were of my choice, or done in my style.  And now I am left to question - am I still becoming the type of midwife that I imagined I would be five years ago?  Will I really even make a good midwife?   Should I even be focused on that, when my main objective is just getting through this year?

Relieved - I'm relieved that I've made it this far; I know that I have enough resolve and determination left in me to make it to the end. I have always felt like I have a strong sense of determination and commitment, but many points over the last six months have brought me to my knees and caused me to question whether or not I'm making the right career choices. But now, although I know the learning curve of the first few weeks back will be steep, because I always seem to forget most of what I learned when I have a vacation, I know Im on the TRUE home stretch now, and with that comes an immense sense of relief. I will live to see the spring, and all being well graduation will follow shortly after that.